The Anti-Spam Crusade

I am absolutely infuriated about the strip mining of Spam animals in remote and secluded areas of Idaho where you will find the most concentration of Spam Ranches. If you are an animal lover at all, as you know I am, you will join me in my protest against this insidious industry.

Let’s begin with information and a short history about the Spam animal. Spam animals, for those of you who don’t know, are a tad larger than rats and smaller than Guinea pigs. Spam animals prefer to raise their litters of about three to six Spamlets as a family. Both the mother (a pam) and the father (a sam) contribute to the raising of the baby Spamlets. The gestation period for the mother is almost precisely 23 days. During this time the sam will hardly leave her side except to bring her food. Spam are strict Vegans as their teeth are not equipped to rend and tear. A litter of Spamlets may come in a variety of colors not necessarily the same as the pam and the sam. Spam are one of the few known animals where genetic markings do not necessarily follow through from the parents. The most popular Spam animal colors would be black, orange, gray, brown, red, and bi-colors and tri-colors. A tri-color Spam animal is never called a calico. They are considered quilt Spam animals. Spam animals have no known predators except now man. Most other animals think the Spam animal too cute to eat. Most would-be predators are distracted by their beguiling little faces with large eyes.

Spam animals in the wilds of Idaho do travel in clutters. A clutter is usually six to eight adult pams and sams and the group’s offspring. Most Spamlets are born in late spring although it is not unusual for more Spamlets to be born in early fall. It is their benign and gentle nature that first drew man to them as pets until it was discovered that they could be used as a food source. It was then that strip mining of Spam animals began on Spam Ranches.

For those of us that love Spam animals the horror of Spam Ranches is too great to even imagine. Spam animals are kept fenced in with electrified knee-high fences. These “feed lots” are often divided into small individual sections. The Spam animals, whose normal existence is in family groups, are forced to live alone divided by these electric fences. Spam animals tend to be more nocturnal, but Spam Ranches often leave them in the bright sunshine with only a small pile of hay to burrow in. In the wild this burrowing would be done in their clutters for warmth and safety.

Although some Spam animals are raised “free range” they are not as tasty, much harder to capture, and therefore much more expensive. Dachshunds are trained to flush the Spam animal but not to eat it. If Dachshunds were able to talk they would tell you they would never eat one of these beguiling little Spam animals. On the Spam Ranches, Spamlets are removed from the mother pams at an extremely young and vulnerable age and they may scream for days for the warmth of their litter mates and their pams. (If you have ever heard a baby kitten call for its mother, you know what sound it makes.) Because of this shrieking some kinder ranchers will leave the Spamlets with their mothers most of the six months that it takes for them to be full-grown. Spam animals are considered adult at six months and are usually harvested before the sams go into rut. But unscrupulous ranchers remove the Spamlets from the pams earlier to force them on a diet they believe makes better meat. Spam animal ranchers can buy ear protection designed specifically to block out the plaintive cries of the baby Spamlets.

Spam animals are harvested at pretty close to six months. Detailed records are maintained on each litter of Spamlets so they can be spamharvested at the most opportune moment. My apologies to the faint of heart, but Spam animals are gassed with carbon monoxide because it does not taint the meat nor damage the pelt. (Do you see why I have such ire concerning Spam animals ranchers?) It takes approximately four to five Spam animals for a can of Spam. Except for the pelt and bones every part of the Spam animal is used in the processing of Spam. The fur pelt is not discarded. Because of the beautifully exotic colors of Spam animals their pelts are used on those little papier-mache animals found in novelty stores. So the buying of Spam products fuels a multi-national industry and causes the death of these gentle creatures.

All of this is why I am outraged at the treatment of little Spam animals. I would rather pledge my life to being a Vegan than to ever let Spam cross my lips. My husband, however, is not so particular. The only thing I can think of that I do not like about my friend, Beth, is that she prefers Spam fried. Blasphemy! Infidels both! If I had the time would look up the Scriptural basis for my beliefs about Spam.

Perhaps someday, when I have the time, I will tell you about the Norwegian explorer Loof Lirpa who was the first to identify Spam animals. Some believe it was he who originally brought them to American soil.

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Filed under Family, Food, humor, Quilt

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